A Tale of Two Schools

Posted June 21, 2007

I have always seen the world from a dialectic point of view—a struggle between the forces of good and evil, the strong and the weak, the haves and the have-nots. And forget Karl Marx. I’ve had that take on life since I was five years old.

To me, the National League stood for everything that was good and great in the world while the American League and their nasty tactics embodied all that was wrong. Coke was an emblem of what it meant to be American, while Pepsi was little more than a good-for-nothing wannabe brand.

And, growing up in Los Angeles, UCLA was naturally the quintessence of all good in the world, while USC was—well, USC.

In the next four hundred words or so, I’m going to explain exactly why USC is the bourgeoisie, why Tommy the Trojan is a plague to society and why the University of Southern California stands for everything that is wrong in the world.

Note: the rest of this isn’t meant to be taken seriously. This is not a pissing contest of any sort between UCLA and USC. Please don’t be offended—unless you go to USC, of course (just kidding, I swear).

So here it goes: the Manifesto of Los Angeles, a city eternally divided by the universal forces of good and evil.

The following are proof of why UCLA stands for all that is good and great in the world, while USC is the epitome of all that isn’t:

1) UCLA is a public school.

It represents the citizens of California. Haven’t you seen that one inspiring commercial where people of assorted ethnicities and backgrounds talk about how UCLA is THEIR school?

USC has always been, and will always be for the Republican, tax-evading private-school assholes that pervade Orange Grove Blvd. in Pasadena.

Fucking Republicans.

2) The colors.

Both the Bruins and Trojans share their own hues of gold, but they deviate in their other colors: UCLA wears a beautiful baby blue while USC dons the menacing “cardinal.”

UCLA’s blue is soothing and pleasing to the eyes. Blue can stand for the sky, the ocean, or any of the other wonderful delights that nature has to offer.

Red (I refuse to associate USC’s colors with the mascot of my very own school, Stanford) is emblematic of blood, death and the devil. If you had to pick one color to embody the most evil and ugly things in the world, you’d choose red in a heartbeat. Coincidence? I think not.

3) The Figureheads.

The most recognizable representative of UCLA—among many other distinguished figures and heroes—is Jackie Robinson.

And who would USC’s most recognizable figure be? O.J. Simpson.

I’ll leave it at that.

4) The Mascots.

Joe Bruin is a cuddly, upstanding mascot who exudes character with every step he takes. Tommy the Trojan is a prehistoric, wannabe macho man with a plastic sword stuck up his ass. Enough said.

5) Location.

UCLA is located in the hip and cultured milieu of Westwood. Take a walk down the street and you might see a star or two.

USC is located in South Central. Take a walk down the street and you’re likely to either a) get shot, b) witness a drug deal or c) get shot while witnessing a drug deal.

6) Education/Academics.

This might be a touchy subject for some, so I won’t go into detail in trying to belittle USC or praise UCLA.

I’ll let the facts speak. UCLA’s better.

7) December 2, 2006.

13-9, UCLA.